A healthy marriage is like a flower. It takes time to cultivate. You don’t get there overnight, but you CAN start now on bringing your life into agreement with the will of your Lord, out of love for Him and your husband.
Use these 10 habits of a healthy marriage as a guideline for any areas you may need to work on. Work on one thing at a time, until the whole list is complete. It may take a while, but as you practice each step, show yourself grace and continue to work on it. Remember that this is sanctification and we are ALL running the race to live a more perfect life like Christ. ❤️
10 Habits of a Healthy Marriage
As with anything, the first step is to put God first, ALWAYS!
1) Put God first
Whether in your personal life or in your marriage, God ALWAYS comes first. Start your day with reading your Bible. Even if it’s just for a few minutes. It tends to align our hearts and minds up to His, so that we are on HIS path for the rest of the day. Another great thing to do is to ask God what He wants your day to look like. How does HE want you to spend your day. This is something I do each and every day so that I know I’m pleasing the Lord and spending His time righteously.
In your marriage, you can spend time together in the Word, or both privately, whatever you prefer. Maybe while he’s getting up and getting showered, you can read your Bible. While you’re showering, getting dressed, putting on makeup, etc. he can read. However you work it into your marriage, be SURE you’re starting your day with God at the forefront.
2) Avoid worldly and empty chatter
If we are aligning our hearts and minds to the Lord’s, we understand that time is precious and every moment matters. We don’t want to be talking about a lot of mindless stuff with our husbands, things they don’t care about.
Why?
First, he will begin to tune you out.
Second, life is precious and you want to make it count.
Time with your husband is valuable. Spend your day on what matters. Spend time with him, enjoy those moments, don’t get caught up in the worldly pursuits, drama, complaining, etc.
Keep your mind focused on God first, and your husband second. Be direct and to the point. Men love great communicators who don’t beat around the bush or take an hour to say what you can say in 10 minutes. Men have a more direct mindset so try to get to the point quickly. Talk, yes, and let yourself talk, but not in abundance.
Empty chatter is not helpful to anyone.
3) Pray for each other
Pray that he continues to walk in the spirit at all times, help him stay there. His spiritual condition is your greatest concern. Not only does it affect your life with him (if he’s sinning or being a jerk, for example, it affects you), but it also affects his testimony to the world, and his eternal Heaven rewards.
The Proverbs 31 wife (verse 23) is concerned about his walk with the Lord and his testimony. He is respected in the city. He is an honorable, good man, and that takes US being a good wife to help him BE a good man!
Pray for him at every turn and help encourage him in his spiritual walk. Be sure he’s choosing the right things and help him in this area, gently, not in an overbearing way. Be gracious to him and remember that we are ALL sinners. We mess up daily and we need prayer daily to stay on track in our walks with the Lord and each other.
4) Serve with each other
There’s no doubt in my mind that if you are praying daily to be used by God and taking time to ask God each and every day what He wants you to do that day, you will come to a point where He asks you to serve.
Serving others is a massive ministry and it can be done in small ways or large ways, wherever you’re at in your life. The point is to do it together. Serve others together. Make your ministry your mission to do together.
While serving others, you want to not forget to serve your husband. You should both serve each other. Jesus came to serve not to be served (Matthew 20:28), and that is the pattern to which we live our lives as well. Serving others, including our spouse.
Remember that outside of Christ, your husband IS your #1 priority.
- God
- Husband
- Children
- Others living in your home (parents, pets, etc.)
- Extended family (not living with you)
- Friends
- The world
Be sure that your priorities are straight and that his are too and that you are serving both each other and others TOGETHER. It is very important to meet his needs as you walk through life together. His emotional, physical, and spiritual needs. While that does not lay solely on your shoulders alone, we as wives are called to be our husband’s helpmeet and to help him in all areas of life, doing him good and not becoming a burden to him (Proverbs 31:12).
5) Be best friends
Many people marry for lust or looks, for loneliness, or companionship, but the best reason to marry someone is because you want to spend the rest of your life with him. You want to marry your best friend. You can’t imagine one day of your life without him. You need him and he needs you. That friendship is foundational to any good marriage because as time goes on, sorry ladies, but looks start to fade.
Wrinkles set in, gray hairs become abundant. Beauty fades (Proverbs 31:30) as we age, but that friendship is the foundation that keeps the rock solid marriage together. It can battle any storm, it can weather the rain, it can persist amidst the most dire of circumstances because you are best friends and as such, incredibly close (Ecclesiastes 4:12 – God, you, and your husband).
That friendship is what carries you through life. Liking each other, caring about spending time with each other, loving to be in each other’s company, not seeking to go out and do things apart all the time, but having and finding common interests.
Does he like to play video games? Play with him!
Do you like to cook? Cook with him!
Find things you like to do together and make them a part of your life. Those bonds that form as friendships, last a lifetime! Constantly strive to be on the same page as one another, having your goals in life match up. They don’t always have to be the EXACT same and that’s okay, but you want to be going in the same direction as your spouse.
Take time for your friendship to grow over time. Study each other. Get to know one another very well. Never stop studying your partner in life. Never assume or think you know everything about him because if you try, each day you’ll realize something new about him you had no idea of! And that’s a GOOD thing…otherwise, life would get pretty boring.
Learn to be a good friend to him. Take his side in things (unless he’s sinning). Spend a lot of your time cultivating your friendship.
6) Act like you’re still dating, always
One of the things that I was really destroyed about in my marriage one day was my appearance. I never wore makeup around the house, didn’t get dressed, etc. I was groomed, just not dressed up or anything. And one day, my unsaved spouse came to me and asked me why I got all dressed up to go out with friends, got dressed up to go church or even the store, but never for him. Aren’t I supposed to care about HIM more than all those other people?!
Oh man! It hit me so hard and is something I’ve never forgotten. Because he’s absolutely RIGHT.
While I’m not saying you need to put on your Sunday best every day, you want to look good and you want to look presentable. Men are visual creatures and they notice if we are taking care of ourselves or not. They notice if we wear makeup or not. Now, if you didn’t wear makeup when dating, you’re totally good here.
And the choice of how MUCH you do is really up to you, but personally, I make it a point to wear eyeliner and be fully clothed even when I’m by myself. Again, it’s totally up to you as to what you do, do what makes you feel comfortable, but do make a point to look good for your husband. Think of it like as if you’re first married, first moving in together after married, and it’s those first stages. Do that!
Think about all the little things you did while dating. You made a little decoupage box for him as a gift for no reason at all, you were polite, kind, sweet. You showed respect and honor to him, you wanted to be with him all the time, you tenderly cared for him, showed him you wanted him. Do those things. Show him that you still want to be with him, even after all these years. That you still choose him every single day. That he’s wanted, loved, treasured.
Take the time, make the effort ladies, to love on your husband. EVERY. SINGLE. DAY!
7) Plan for intimacy
If we are not careful and guard our time, life can get very busy. Things can get out of control pretty quickly. Stress sets in, lack of time, doing too much, taking on too many responsibilities, not learning how to say “no” when you should. It all eats away at your time and in essence, your marriage.
Take time to plan for intimacy, even after children. Spend time, a lot of time together. Remember that you cannot BE a good parent, unless your needs are met and the same goes with his.
The same applies to service. You can’t serve the world on empty. And taking time with your husband is like a dose of energy and love that you need every day in order to do all that you do. The truth is, he wants you to want him. All men, want you to want them. They want to be wanted. And if you’re not doing that, fulfilling that need in him, it leaves his needs empty and he starts looking for other ways to fill those needs. And that’s NEVER good! Hear me, take time for him. The world can wait!!!!
Protect your marriage bed. Do not withhold from him in any form of love (whether in words, deeds, or intimacy). Always lavish your love upon him every day. Let him know that he is truly cared for and treasured. It is your job to fulfill that need in him, just as it is his job to fulfill that need in you.
8) Fight fairly
Don’t threaten him that you want a divorce in a fight. Say it often enough and he’ll believe it’s what you really want and leave. Fight fair. Don’t punch below the belt, so to speak. There’s a way to disagree about something in a respectful way, without losing your temper, getting violent, or being mean.
If you need to remove yourself from the situation because your emotions are getting the better of you, do so. Return to the room when you have calmed down and can talk clearly. A fight that starts out yelling will only escalate. Better to walk away and continue the conversation when you both have cooled down.
Remember that hurtful words cannot ever be taken back and while they CAN be forgiven, the offended person never truly forgets them. They ring in their ears constantly and it becomes a source of pain to them, a burden, a thorn in their side they can’t get rid of. Watch your tongue. Watch your words.
If you’re having an argument, don’t run to your girl friends and start bashing him. Keep it to yourself until you’ve had time to calm down. If you need to vent, vent to God, quietly so that no one else can hear you, privately, in your mind. Make it a matter of prayer. Ask God to help you calm down. Ask Him to help the situation and to diffuse the conflict.
Always strive for unity. Don’t fight for your own rights. Be willing to be wrong. Be humble and patient with one another, showing grace (1 Peter 4:8).
9) Don’t hold a grudge
Learn to forgive him in his sins. Remember that we all sin, we all mess up, we all fall. Although it’s very difficult, it’s during those times of our fallenness where we need love the MOST. A cold word, a bitter heart, a bad attitude can lead to strife and discontentment. It can eat up at your relationship, your friendship, your marriage.
Learn to let things go. Is it a hill to die on? You always hear stories where people are fighting and years later, they don’t remember what they were even fighting over and they lost the relationship. Is it REALLY important to the end of your life? Is it a hill to die on? Or will you forget about it in a couple years?
Bitterness can creep in the door very quickly and easily if we let it. Stop it before it gets in. Focus on your own sins and not his. Don’t nitpick at his sins, but make them a matter of prayer and leave them to the Lord. You focus on YOU. Your walk with the Lord, your own sins, don’t worry about his. Let the Lord take care of them.
God ALWAYS hears our prayers (James 5:16) and is quick to answer them. He loves and cares for us. He knows what you’re struggling with and He wants to help. Go to Him. Let Him take care of it. Only God can truly change a heart.
10) Live beneath your means
Since so many arguments are surrounded by money and finances, live below your means to avoid conflict, stress, and turmoil. Always do whatever is necessary to avoid conflict. We are called to live in peace with one another (Romans 12:18).
As much as it depends on us, live in peace. Do not cause conflict. Do not wage war against your husband. Let things go. Learn what causes fights and avoid them.
Do you get hangry when you do not eat (I know I do)? Eat!
Prepare for it. Make a point of avoiding things that would cause fights. And when you fail, because you will, we are all human, QUICKLY say you’re sorry to him. QUICKLY! So that it does not have opportunity to fester inside him or inside of you.
Making a point to do all of these things will help you have a better relationship with your husband. And if you’re not married, use this list as a precursor to marriage. Get ready NOW, so you have less to work on when you’re actually married.
