I love you.
Those three little words can make or break a person’s spirits, can’t they? Especially when they belong to not just any loved one, but “the” one. The one who’s supposed to be there for you and hold you tight. The one who’s supposed to move mountains for you and make you feel safe. And loved. Like you matter. Like he treasures you.
So when he never says I love you, it hurts, deeply. It cuts you to the core.
It feels like a punch in your soul every day that he doesn’t say it, making a huge gaping hole where his love is supposed to be thriving. You wish things were like they used to be, back when you couldn’t stop saying I love you multiple times throughout the day.
You just wish he could see how much pain you’re in from his silence. How much you’re silently screaming for him to look at you, to love you, to just say it, but he never says I love you. How do you handle that? How do you cope day in and day out with this agonizing, raw pain?
Believe me, I’ve been there. You’re NOT alone. Let’s help you through this. 🥰
He Never Says I Love You. How Do I Handle That?
It can be hurtful when the one you absolutely love more than anyone else in the world won’t reciprocate those feelings through those three little words. And if he used to say it all the time and now he never says them, it can be that much more hurtful.
In order to do something about this, you need to answer these questions:
- Was he always the type to not say I love you very much?
- Did he use to say I love you all the time and then stopped, either suddenly or little by little?
- Could there possibly be something you’re going through that makes you want to hear those words more than usual?
- Were you raised one way and he was raised another? Maybe your parents made a point to say it daily so you’re in the habit of saying it daily, but he’s not.
He never said it, but now you want him to say it
If he rarely said the words when you were together before you got married or at the beginning of your courtship, chances are for him to say those words now are not high. He could easily say that you knew this about him when you got together with him. And you should know by now, you can’t change a person. They must change themselves. And it’s always through God when a person changes.
I want you to think about if he always said I love you or not. Is this possibly something you’re just now really seeing? Possibly because you may need to hear it right now where you are at in life? Maybe you’re going through something and you need his support, his love, his tenderness more? And hearing those words will make you feel a little bit better about your situation?
If he rarely said those words throughout your relationship, you can’t really be mad at him for not saying it now, when you need him to.
However, what you can do is talk to him about what you’re going through or about how much you don’t feel as close to him anymore because of his lack of telling you the things you need to hear. Tell him what’s going on and that you really want him to say I love you more.
He should listen to your needs and meet them for you. After you talk to him about it, be sure to initiate the words I love you first each day in order to prompt him to say it back. Eventually, he’ll get accustomed to saying those three words, even if he used to never say them.
You want to get him to the point of missing it if you go a single day without saying I love you to him. That will trigger, in his mind, to say it to YOU! This doesn’t happen overnight, but give it a few months and you’ll see it.
Remember that we cannot change other people, but we CAN INFLUENCE others by OUR behavior. If you want HIM to say I love you more, YOU say I love you more. Show him how good it feels to hear it.
Don’t: Don’t say it in a legalistic or snarky way. Say it in a loving, gentle, I want to please you and make you happy kinda way. Be kind and loving. Say it to him how you’d want him to say it to you.
What are you doing while you say it? Is it while holding? Is it every day as he leaves for work? When are you saying it? What are you doing while saying it? Do you have your arms open wide around him? Is it said more casually throughout the day? Really think about what you want him to do and then mimic it to him and over time, he will catch on. 🥰
He stopped saying it suddenly or over time
If your honey used to say I love you all the time but then stopped, either suddenly, seemingly out of the blue or gradually over time, maybe he is going through a phase or situation in his life that you’re (or he) is not aware of.
It’s a good practice to always give people the benefit of the doubt, and doesn’t your husband deserve that much?
You should approach him about what might be going on in a non-aggressive way. Just let him know you noticed a few things lately that has you feeling like he’s not there for you when he is home and you want to help him in whatever he is going through.
If there is nothing he is going through and he just stopped saying it, or he becomes extremely defensive about it, then maybe there is more to this than we think. Maybe the situation is deeper than you initially thought or perhaps he needs a little time because he does love you but he doesn’t know how to put that in words.
Sometimes a guy can feel like they want their words to be meaningful. They don’t want to just say I love you if it’s not super heartfelt. They want to express themselves MORE and say MORE than just “I love you”, but they don’t know how. They feel like saying I love you can become cliche or overused and they want to say things more meaningful that MATTER.
But feel stuck because they may not be good at expressing themselves or putting it into words. They want to do better for you because you deserve better. They don’t want to become a cliche or have things be so routine and random and just need a little time.
If you’re in this situation, this is actually a good thing! Think about it like this: If he knew EXACTLY what to say all the time, it signifies he is or was a player in his past and a sweet talker. A sweet talker is not something you want. You want genuine! So if this is your situation, don’t get frustrated, be thankful! 💯 It means he wants to try and never has before. It means he values you more than all the ones in the past. How cool is that?!?!
Just talk to them and help them with wording. You can do this by telling him how YOU feel.
Instead of saying I love you, you could say something like, I really appreciate you in the way you help our family with finances. How you work every day to earn the money and I never have to worry about where the money’s going to come from. It’s a huge burden and it relieves so much pressure off of me, knowing my finances are taken care of so that I can put my energy into taking care of the kids and home. We work as a beautiful team and I really appreciate your hard work for our family. You are a good man. I’m so thankful I married you!
Or, I’m really proud of you. Every day you strive hard to become more and more like Jesus. You run to obey Him in your spiritual walk and it’s such a blessing to me to see you do that. It’s so inspiring, it inspires me to become a better person too for Christ and for you and I just love that about you. I’m so honored to live with someone who is on fire for God and loves Him with all his heart. It’s amazing to watch you grow in the Lord and I’m so utterly thankful to be a part of your journey. I’m so thankful for you.
Mention some SPECIFIC things you love about him. Make it comfortable to him. If he’s clammed up and doesn’t know what to say, which can happen with guys sometimes when they don’t have a lot of experience with women (again: a good thing), then just be sure you’re making him feel comfortable and SAFE like it’s okay to tell you how he feels. You won’t judge him or attack him if he words things wrong or something comes out in a wrong way. That you want him to just be honest and tell you how he feels, that you’re there for him, and that you’re patient with him WHILE he struggles with being able to express his emotions better. Patience is key.
Show him in words and actions how much you love him in order to try to bring him back into the gentleness of words. Show him how much you love him.
Men need that too. It’s not just women who need to be told they are loved, but men need to FEEL it. They need to know they are the only man you love (in a romantic way) and they need to feel respected. It’s really important for a man to feel respected. How women read love is love. How a man reads love is respect. It’s different between the genders and we must be aware of that. Be sure you’re meeting his needs of love (respect and honor) and he will feel more love toward you and begin to show it again.
Knowing that he reads love as respect and honor, did you do something that pushed him away recently without realizing it? Have you suddenly stopped respecting him in your heart and he knows it? Even if you’re holding it in and not saying it, men are like human lie detectors. They KNOW how you FEEL even when you’re not saying it. If you are not respecting him in your HEART, even if everything is perfect and shiny on the outside, believe me when I say this…he knows you don’t respect him.
Those are all really great things to think about. It could be a number of things of why he stopped but you won’t know what it is until you talk to him about it. Let him know how you feel. Not in an attacking way, but a loving and gentle way. Communication in a relationship is key!
If you’re not talking your guts out every single day, you’re not as close as God designed your marriage to be. That doesn’t mean we don’t go through seasons where life is busy and talking is less, but communication is glue. Think of it like that. Without glue (communication), your marriage has a hard time to stick together.
If you’ve never been talkers, then it’s time to start! It will really connect you in ways you never realized and you’ll both feel more satisfied in your relationship.
Men need to feel HEARD.
And sometimes, over time, wives can start to stop listening to their husbands, making the husband feel disrespected and not loved. Communication and listening to him daily, taking a genuine and sincere interest in everything he has to say is so vital to your man feeling loved. They want to be heard. They need to be heard. It’s a genuine need inside them. They need to feel like their voice matters, their opinions matter.
If after you talk to him, he’s still not making that change to say I love you more to you, pray about your situation. God is with you through it all, and wants your marriage to be GREAT!
He never says I love you, but he never did used to say anyway
Maybe it’s you whose going through something. It could be a life change, a change of heart about something, any number of things. Has he always not said those words very often and now all of a sudden you need to hear it?
Or what about he does say them but it’s far and few between the times? Perhaps you feel like you aren’t as close as you once were and you’re trying to grab whatever you can hang on to to keep a piece of him with you?
Just know that people change all life long, and it doesn’t stop at a certain age.
When you’re married you want to grow together. But sometimes we must go through our own battles, whatever they may be. Whether it’s him going through a battle right now or yourself.
If it’s the latter, talk to him about your needs. Let him know what’s going on, what you’re feeling, and how much you love him and how right now, you just need a little more loving tender care. We ALL go through that at different times where we just NEED more tender loving care.
Tell him you need it. Ask him to hold you. Ask him to love on you and keep you safe. Tell him how you’re feeling and that you need it more right now. It’s OKAY that you need it more, it’s okay to need to be loved! But your husband SHOULD love on you, in the times you need it more and the times you don’t need it as much. 🥰
Another thing to keep in mind is that maybe you’re wanting your husband to show you love in the way that you need to receive it and you feel like, because he’s not saying I love you, he’s not showing love, but everyone shows love in different ways. He’s showing you love every day, it just might not be in a way you understand.
For example, if his love language is “acts of service”, to him, he thinks that by going to work every day and providing for you financially so that you live a comfortable life, not having to stress about money, is him loving you.
If his love language is physical touch, he may always want to be intimate with you, but may not be good at words, things like saying I love you.
The truth is that he IS showing you he loves you, we just have to read it in the way that he’s doing it. If you’ve never read The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman, it’s something I recommend ALL couples read!
No matter what, be sure you’re in prayer about it…
Always, always, always pray
Prayer is so powerful and it’s the answer to anything and everything. Whenever there is an issue, my first thought is “Have you been praying about it?” Because if you haven’t been praying about it to God, how do you expect this to get resolved?!
If you’re not seeking God’s help in this, are you trying to fix it all on your own? Don’t try to live life without God. He is the most important Person in your marriage! Read that again! GOD…is the most important Person in your marriage. 🙏❤️
Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit by itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in me. I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing. – John 15:4-5
Be sure you are praying about everything, first and foremost. 🥰
If after you’ve talked to him, he still won’t say I love you, you should continue to show him your love and kindness. Continue to tell him how much YOU love him. And just be there to support him no matter what.
Above all, pray about it and ask God to meet your needs in the meantime. God is our Father and He loves us so much. He wants to meet our needs and where your physical husband lacks, God makes up the difference!
When we feel all alone, just know you aren’t alone. God is our bridegroom. God is our refuge and strength and a very present help when we are in trouble. (Psalm 46:1) If your loved ones shut you out, the God of love will be with you, safeguarding your heart, and lovingly looking after you and meeting your needs.
