When I was in grade school, they mocked me and teased me. They said I’d never amount to anything, that I’d never do anything with my life. They bullied me, harassed me, and wouldn’t leave me alone.
Boys would chase me as I walked home alone to throw rocks at me, making me run home as fast as I possibly could every day, in order to get to safety.
Girls would tip over my desk in class and make me and my desk fall to get me in trouble with the teacher and to be mean. Those same girls, chasing me after school to try to beat me up. Me running as fast as I could to get away from them and them on my heels chasing me. Me praying the whole time I wouldn’t trip and fall.
I honestly never figured out why people were so mean to me. It was just a part of life I guess.
And then there was my mom. Dun…dun…dun…
One of the worst moms in the entire world, I assure you.
A woman who never cared about herself, much less ME. Went through men like crazy. Was married several times, not married to my dad (who I never even met), and on welfare all our lives. She just never had any ambition to make life better. It was always just about accepting things how they were, never caring enough to do anything about it.
She was always so angry at life, always beating me to a pulp and taking it out on me. I hated her for everything she put me through.
When I was a teen, I started becoming popular in school. Things were actually starting to turn around for me. No longer was I being bullied. Girls were copying me and my style, guys were following me. I had friends, was invited to parties (never went though; it wasn’t my scene).
But it seemed like I wasn’t the girl everyone hated. I was someone people actually liked, wanted to be around.
Then one day, out of the blue, my mom asked me to commit suicide with her. She had this plan. She said that she’d kill me by giving me a needle full of insulin and then kill herself once I was dead. Double murder.
I cannot even begin, tears, to tell you how MUCH I hated her. How she made my life a living hell all under the guise that she was a Christian! I was so confused as to what a believer was, growing up. I thought SHE was a Christian, but she was so different than the Bible.
As an older adult, I left home and she was always still so manipulative and controlling. Always trying to make me and my then-husband fight. Always trying to drive a wedge in between us so I’d come home to her and live with her again. Never wanting me to be happy. Always causing drama and stirring the pot.
When she finally died (she did end up killing herself years later), unlike other loving daughters, I felt bad and people didn’t understand, why I was happy she was gone. Tears. I felt relieved. FREE.
Free of the burden. Free of her manipulations. Free of her always trying to sabotage me to make me miserable. Just free.
No longer did I have to deal with all the pain and torture, the manipulations, the emotional, spiritual, and physical abuse.
My real dad had already died many years before, an internet search showed, and when she died, I was suddenly an orphan.
God Uses the Weak
It wasn’t until I was 18 years old that my mom finally stopped physically beating me.
She had just ran and chased me (me having nowhere to run to, to escape) I ran and got on top of my bed, hoping to get away from her. She dragged me by the arm off the bed and beat my back till I was sore and bruised and couldn’t walk.
I was so ticked off at her for what she had just did to me that I told her that because I was 18 years old now this is not just child abuse, it’s an illegal crime and against the law and if she ever did it again, I would call the police on her and she’d go to jail.
I didn’t mean it, I had nowhere to go, but in my anger, I was forceful in my words enough that she believed me and stopped from then on, the physical part of the abuse.
She was always just so broken and frustrated in her own life and I always was the one who seemed to get in her way. I learned to stay away from her. I learned to live my life in my bedroom, where I was mostly safe (out of sight, out of mind, right?)
I had a really terrible childhood. My mom didn’t love me. That was clear. The kids at school, for whatever reason, hated me.
So when I met my ex-husband, I just wanted to get away from it all. We got married, and very soon after, I found out he was worse than my mom.
He was into p*rn. I hadn’t known, and him being involved in that, destroyed us. It destroys relationships. The mind cannot differentiate between images that are fake and real acts, which is why God says that a man who looks at a woman with lust in his heart, has committed adultery (Matthew 5:28). He was always wanting me to do really gross and weird stuff with him, things I opted not to do, to which he’d get mad about.
Very soon after we got married, I found over 500 p*rn videos stuffed all throughout the house in the vents and I’m talking really bad p*rn. I didn’t know what the videos were, they were not labeled, so I watched all of 5 seconds before figuring it out.
He had stolen my mom’s social security number, ordered a new credit card under her name, and charged it up to the max with p*rn and electronics (like a VHS video machine to watch the p*rn). Things became real when the police showed up at the door!
I was mortified to have found out about his crimes. Illegal crimes.
As the police stood there to arrest ME for HIS crimes, for something I didn’t even KNOW he was doing, the merciful police officer allowed me to call my mom, and she stopped the charges against my ex-husband right then and there in order to save me from being arrested for his crimes.
Because he and I were married, I was responsible too. It didn’t matter that I didn’t know about what he did or not, they would have taken ME to jail too! Thankfully, by the grace of God, I was never arrested, but that scared me out of my MIND, as you can imagine!
That was when everything got bad. But my ex-husband said he changed and he did for a while (still doing the p*rn, but being better at other things). We slept in different rooms for about a year and lived our lives from then on as roommates more than anything else (his words; not mine, although very fitting).
It was several years later that he left. When he did, the legalistic church that I had been a member of for years, said it was MY fault he left. If only I was…a better wife, gave him more of the things he wanted (dirty sexual stuff that I was NOT okay with!!!)
It was ALL. MY. FAULT! I made him leave. Because I wasn’t a good enough wife, they said. So after a while, when he had his fill with the other woman, and he came back, they encouraged me to get back with him. He, yet again, played the, “I changed” card. I listened to them; wanting to put my marriage back together.
We moved, and after we moved, he started having another affair, with another woman who was also married, that he worked with.
Eventually, he’d end up physically abusing me, and I’d pack my kids and me into the car (whatever I could fit quickly in to the car for us) and left to get safe. While I was packing, I had a local Pastor come over and watch my ex-husband to make sure I could get out safely, away from the abuse.
I ended up in a homeless shelter, I had nowhere to go and through their direction, placed a restraining order against him, to keep us safe.
He broke the restraining order and ended up in jail. A month later, he got in a physical fight with the other girl (one of his affair girl’s) and ended up in jail from her as well.
Around that time, I was just starting to get my life back together. I had an apartment and I started reselling things to make money. I was making $700/month, just barely enough to cover bills there in Oregon and doing okay. Getting by.
Thinking I was Christian all my life, got baptized when I was 8, etc. I came to realize that I WASN’T saved through a tract.
As I read the tract, I realized, I wasn’t Christian. And I was devastated. I lost my husband, my whole life, and now I wasn’t Christian!
What more could be wrong?!
I was just utterly destroyed.
I started praying, Lord, what’s so different from other Christians than me? Why am I NOT Christian?! I went to church every Sunday. I believed in God. I was a good person to society’s standards. I was a member of a church. I got baptized a couple times in my life. What was it then? If it wasn’t THAT which saves you, what WAS IT?
Through prayer, I realized that I wasn’t saved because I didn’t put God FIRST.
See Satan and his demons believe God exists and shutter (James 2:19). They know. They see. So it’s not JUST believing Christ exists, or Satan himself would be saved too!
No, it’s MORE.
So, is it baptism? You get baptized and you’re good? No. It didn’t work.
So what’s it about then?
It’s about counting the cost and obeying God no matter what, period. Something I still do to this day!
It’s about putting Him as LORD of your life.
It’s letting HIM drive the car, instead of you driving it and He’s a passenger. HE leads, you follow. HE’S in charge.
I didn’t have that. Yes, I had accepted the free gift of salvation He gave, but on my OWN terms. I didn’t let HIM lead. He wasn’t ruler of my life. I wasn’t seeking to obey Him. I wanted to do whatever I wanted and add Him into my life like a carry on suitcase.
Having realized this (through the power of the Holy Spirit), it was there that I gave my life to God. It was there, in that first apartment that I bowed my knees to Christ. He was ruler of my life now. Fully and completely. I’d do whatever He asked me to do.
I didn’t know what that entailed. I didn’t know His plan for me, but I started reading the Bible. I started investing in my relationship with Him daily, as much as I possibly could in the day.
Immediately He started teaching me how to save money. I had never known how before. I was in over $30k+ worth of debt at that time. But He personally (through convictions, through trial and error, through Scripture and sermons) taught me. I was making money on ebay, as I had before, paying my bills, and just following Him.
Then my ex-husband showed up at my door and wanted to get back together. “I’m a changed man”, he said, yet again, after having been in jail twice. And after what the church had said, how it was MY fault he left, again, I figured, I’ll take him back and this time, things will be different. Because while I can’t change HIM, I CAN change ME! I’m Christian now. It’ll be fine….right?
We got back together and moved, yet again.
But…he left again.
I had become a genuine believer now and things were different. He asked me to give up God and the church and go back to how I was before Christ. He said, if I didn’t, he’d leave.
I remember, very BOLDLY saying, “I’ll never give up God for you or anyone else,” and it came out way more fiercely than I had intended, but it was the truth. He said, “Are you sure?” I said, “Yes”. He left right after that.
No surprise. This time I was expecting it. This time, I knew the signs! This time, he didn’t beat around the bush (I’m going to leave you if you don’t give up God is pretty clear!)
This time, I had stocked secret money onto bills and got a bunch of expensive furniture super cheap so if he left, I’d have money on bills extra for several months and furniture I could sell quick to survive. And I did. I didn’t end up homeless THIS TIME. I was smart!
I was okay financially. I was already reselling and doing well with it, so I just upped my game in that area to make more. I was okay. Month by month, I was okay. This time, I was saved! God had my back! ❤️
And, as you can guess, my ex-husband came back again with the whole, “I changed” speech (something my kids made fun of him for, because he still pulls that with them and they know his words are not worth anything).
The Pastor of my new church told me to go back with him. They said that they felt he was genuine, but in my gut, I knew he wasn’t sincere. I submitted to the church (they are my protection after all, right?), but in my mind, I knew that the Pastor’s discernment was not good. He couldn’t see through my ex-husband’s games. A Pastor without discernment is not a great leader. He will lead you into areas you should not go.
But as you may have already guessed it, he left again and they were wrong.
So, after my ex-husband left AGAIN and started a divorce, as you can imagine, by this time I was done. No more chances. I’m done! No more ring around the roses. No more. I had it. I don’t care WHAT Pastor told me to take him back, NO! I was done. For good. And we divorced.
In the midst of my divorce, I was doing well financially. I certainly didn’t need more money. I actually was making a lot, $18k/year at the time and my bills were all paid and believe it or not, I had money left over. 😊 I used my saving money skills God Himself taught me, and I was living quite rich on what the world calls little.
Friends in my church started asking me how I had all I had. They knew I was poor. It wasn’t a shocker.
They said I had more than THEM and they were making $60k/year. How was I doing all this on only $18k/year?!
Well, because God taught me how to save. 🙏
In the midst of that, I kept praying for God to use me. Selling toys on ebay was a living and it was fun, but it didn’t HELP anyone. I wasn’t SERVING. It didn’t help the world. I wanted so desperately to be used by God. The number 1 person in the entire world who was there for me.
Who never left me.
God convicted me to start a blog. I had no clue what a blog was at the time, nor did I know anyone who was a blogger. There wasn’t blogging information online like there is now. It was something we had to figure out on our own, and little by little, I did.
But not one single person supported me in this endeavor I felt called by God. My mom said to get a real job, I was only fooling myself. My Pastor said I was being irresponsible to my kids for not providing them a “stable income”.
The judge in my divorce said that I was risking losing everything in the divorce by not getting a traditional job outside the home.
But I couldn’t. I HAD to obey God. I promised Him. And I wanted to be with my kids. They already lost their father, I wasn’t going to let them lose ME TOO!
Friends mocked me.
No one believed in me.
And it was at that time, I had a major decision to make. Would I yet again, listen to the people, or this time, would I trust whole-heartedly in Christ, even though I didn’t have a clue what I was doing or where He was taking me?
I chose to listen to God!
And that’s the first thing I want to tell you today. No matter how well-intended people are, and most were with the exception of a couple jealous friends trying to sabotage and hurt me, NO ONE can take the place of God.
Not one!
Not your husband.
Not your kids.
Not your Pastor.
Not your family.
Not ANYONE.
If God asks you to do something, whether you understand it or not, you have to do it, and if you’re NOT willing to do it, you have to really examine if you’re a Christian at all. God doesn’t let you NOT obey Him!
Yes, we have free will, and at the same time, Job 42:2 is absolutely true: “I know that You can do all things, And that no purpose of Yours can be thwarted.”
So I went on to obey the Lord and He blessed me financially. I ended up making millions of dollars (in revenue) per year as a blogger just six years later. Even my first year blogging, I started making $10k/month toward the end of the year.
God was blessing and He has blessed me to no end financially. I have my dream house. I have my beautiful kids. I get to serve the world and help you guys make money from home and constantly remind you to look to God’s grace as the driving force in your life, as we ALL need to be constantly reminded.
But in the past few years, Christ would do more than all that!
Listen, as a kid I was a dork, I was unwanted, unloved, I was a nobody. My dads (real dad, step dads) didn’t love me. My mom tried to murder me. Kids made fun of me.
Since birth, I have been that person that no one cared about. I was rejected by the world. Rejected by my ex-husband. Rejected by friends.
I was a nobody. And here it is now, that God MADE ME a somebody.
I teach millions of people online. I influence a LOT of women.
I cannot believe sometimes, just how GOOD God is!
How He brought ME, this weakest of girls, this girl who had no one to fight for her at all, and He redeemed me.
God saw me when no one else did, and He brought to me others (my blog, you) who would love me!
I had nothing. I WAS nothing. And now….I am something BECAUSE God redeemed me. Because HE says I’m worth something.
He set me on a hill, so that I could tell you that He is a God of redemption.
I don’t care how BAD your situation looks, my friend, God is a God of redemption. And while things may look bad now, they will not always be.
The second I was saved, He taught me saving money, which would later become the base of my blog and now rolled into teaching printables. Long before *I* ever knew it, He was working.
Long before I ever wanted to be used to serve others, He was working.
God is always working for you. Even when we can’t see it, He is and we need to trust in that. He does a LOT behind the scenes for us, that we never even know or realize!! 💯
He uses the inadequate people, the weak people and makes them GREAT to show the world it’s HIS mighty strength, not theirs.
👉 Look at Gideon. He was the youngest of the weakest tribe.
👉 Look at Abraham. He was old. Sarah was beyond childbearing years.
👉 Look at David. He was very young when he killed Goliath.
👉 Look at Moses. He couldn’t talk.
And there’s so many more.
“Blessed are the poor in spirit,
for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are those who mourn,
for they will be comforted.
Blessed are the meek,
for they will inherit the earth.
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness,
for they will be filled.
Blessed are the merciful,
for they will be shown mercy.
Blessed are the pure in heart,
for they will see God.
Blessed are the peacemakers,
for they will be called children of God.
Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness,
for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me. Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you.” – Matthew 5:3-12
So if you’re suffering today, or you think you’re inadequate to be used by our gracious Heavenly Father, GOOD!
He can’t use the proud!!! 💯
He can’t use the gifted (because then He doesn’t get the glory, so He equips the people He wants to use with gifts instead, so His name is glorified)!!! 💯
He uses people like me and you- the weak, the rejected, the fatherless, the orphan, the widow.
To the world we may be nothing, but in the hands of GOD Almighty, we become powerful human instruments!
If you ever wonder to yourself if God is there, He is. My loved ones, He’s always there. HE NEVER leaves us! HE never abandons us. HE calls us according to what we will become, not what we are now. It’s our responsibility to have faith and to go where He leads. To be used. To say, “YES”.
When I gave my life to Him, I had no idea I’d end up HERE, and I know this is not even the half of where He will take me. I will do great things for Him in the world, because the Lord Jesus Christ lives in me and He’s redeemed me!
No one else HAS TO believe in you.
If you have someone who believes in you, wow, that’s such a massive blessing! 🎁 But if you don’t, it’s okay!! Certainly no one did for me. But the God who created the whole universe believed in me. And HE WAS RIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Everyone else was wrong about me because they only saw MY power and not God’s!
“I can do all things through Him who strengthens me”. – Philippians 4:13
Let the world know, these are my qualifications for being used by the Lord in such a miraculous way:
- I was homeless
- I am weak
- I have no family (orphan, widow)
- My friends rejected me
- My church believed a lie about me
- My mom tried to murder me
- I was mocked, persecuted, and blamed for things I never did
- I was abandoned time and time again by many people
- and so much more!
“And He has said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.” Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me.” – 2 Corinthians 12:9
Praise the Lord, my God has redeemed me. 🎉 Praise the Lord, HE didn’t give up on me when I thought I was saved and wasn’t. That He took that girl the world rejected, saved her, planted her feet on steady ground, and uses her to accomplish His good deeds for His great glory. 🙌
He has given me truly GOOD things, because He loves me and because I obey Him, whatever the cost.
If He can do such miraculous things for ME, a nobody, someone everyone rejected, how much MORE can He do for YOU!!!!!!!!!!
Be encouraged. The Lord can do great things in you, IF you are willing!! You only need to trust Him and obey!
So my question today is…are you willing to be used by God for purposes that are so big you cannot see right now? Will you give every inch of your life to Him and let HIM lead you every day in every way and be a useful (and willing) vessel for Him to use?
To Christ be the glory! 🙏
