Purity in dating is SO much more than the “physical”. And it absolutely is possible when we look at dating through the lens of Christ, and not the world! But how do we do this??
Here’s a few tips to help you keep it pure when dating!
How To Keep It Pure When Dating
Sometimes when you think of purity, you think of “no sex until marriage.” While this is 100% true and a huge part of remaining pure before you decide to get married, it goes SO much deeper than that.
Purity isn’t just a physical thing.
Keep Your Mind Pure
You want to make sure that you help keep your mind pure as well, all the time but ESPECIALLY more so, during dating. It leads to temptation.
This includes what you read, listen to, and look at. That may mean changing up your bookshelf and ridding those romance novels (which I NEVER suggest you have in the first place!), not watching PG-13 or R-rated movies, or listening to music about sex (or things that make you desirous of physical intimacy).
For PG-13 movies, you want to really guard yourselves. They can show a woman’s top half completely (!) or a couple in bed together and still be PG-13, 😒 so you need to be VERY careful even when watching PG-13.
If those parts happen within a movie you’re watching and it comes out of the blue or the rest of the movie is good, it’s just one part that’s showing heated things, for example if it shows a close-up of a couple kissing to make you desirous, things like that, fast forward through it. That’s what I do even while I’m single! Don’t let that into your heart or mind.
A good idea to do when watching ANY movie, because let’s be honest, sex is plastered EVERYWHERE (it’s super annoying!), is that if something comes on screen that your guy shouldn’t see in that regard, basically if it’s not G-rated family-friendly type of stuff, you can tell him it’s not safe. “Don’t look”, you could say and then when it’s over, tell him it’s safe to look. This is really helpful to guard your guy’s eyes because even when he looks away, he’s not sure when it’s safe to look again and continue watching the movie.
The really AH-mazing thing is that with someone genuinely godly, you won’t even have to say anything when it’s not safe to look. They already have their head down, not looking!! This is one of my FAVORITE things about a godly person! They demonstrate such genuine integrity, and I just LOVE that! ❤️
Whatever your personal boundaries are, talk about it and have a meaningful and deep conversation about it so that you can know what to expect.
The Bible tells us to guard our hearts and minds, not just our bodies. All of these are EQUALLY important, and especially when it comes to remaining pure in a romantic relationship.
This applies to the other person too! You want to treat them as a brother/sister in Christ and help them strive for and guard their purity as well.
Let’s look at some helpful tips to maintaining ALL forms of purity when dating…
Keep Christ At The Center
It’s important to talk about WHY we even date in the first place. The ultimate goal for dating is marriage.
Now please understand, my view on dating may be different from a lot of people’s, and that’s okay. Just be sure to talk about it thoroughly with your partner to ensure that you both remain pure.
For me, I believe in courting. The goal is for the relationship to be more than “dating”—it’s about courting with intention. Being FRIENDS first for a little bit of time (that time frame would be decided upon by you two) and really getting to know each other (talking a lot about life, love, God, everything) is so, so important. That’s the FOUNDATION of a marriage: a super strong friendship. Best friends.
By being friends first, it allows people to get to know each other in a LEGIT way. It also allows you, as a woman, to look and see what kind of guy he REALLY is. You can sit back and WATCH. Does he do this, does he do that? What kind of things DOES he do? Does he watch p*rn, does he believe in this or that, is he genuinely a godly Christian, what is his personality like, etc. and then you are able to make a clear decision on whether or not you want to marry him and if you do, then you should date him.
You can’t make a clear decision with a clear head if you are making out with him; your emotions are far too involved and you base things on physical (you want him) instead of WHO HE really is. It’s a far better way to go: be friends first!! This way you make a better decision of who you want to marry and who you’ll really be happy with for the rest of your life!
Another great reason is because when you date, you begin to do all those things like kissing or holding hands and I want those things to be ONLY to and with my future spouse. Not some random guy and I’m dating around. It’s a respect thing. I want to respect and honor my future husband, whoever he shall be.
I will tell you the truth, and I only say this so that you know it’s possible to keep yourself pure.
Before I got married, I was a virgin. We weren’t intimate until after marriage. In fact, I saved my first kiss for my husband! And even after the divorce, he’s STILL the only person I’ve ever slept with or even kissed! I’ve been single a long time (too long, in my opinion! 😆) and I’ve guarded those treasures to be with my future husband only. I want him to feel special, loved, honored, and that’s a great way to make him feel like that. ❤️
When I begin dating someone, it’s like saying, “FOR SURE, I’m going to marry him” and it should be the same for him.
Thus, building a friendship super strong is KEY to a relationship. The friendship part of a relationship IS the most important thing.
I love courting so much better because you are free to be yourself, with no pressure of dating. You chose to invest in your friendship first and foremost and that’s the best way to really find your soul mate, the person you want to be with forever. You will know him inside and out and he will know you inside and out and it’s that friendship, that DEEP connection, that builds a bond so strong nothing can break it.
Getting to know someone on such a deep level, being raw and vulnerable and tender with each other, before anything else develops can be one of the most rewarding experiences. It creates a bond that becomes the foundation of something truly meaningful. When you discover a person of such character—someone godly, caring, and everything you could hope for—it’s a reminder of the importance of building a friendship first.
You connect on a much deeper level by doing it that way first, rather than rushing into dating right off the bat and THEN getting to know them.
When you have this all in place before you date (talking, getting to know each other, etc.), it allows you to work towards that purpose together. Then dating becomes more about establishing routines, bending toward each other, and seeking God first in your relationship, getting used to each other more in person, developing habits together (starting down the path of two becoming one), having fun together, and doing fun things. Growing in the Lord together and getting ready to live together and be married (being prepared).
Getting ready to live together is a huge thing. You need to discuss a lot of things like routines, habits, is he a morning person or a night owl? What is expected, who will do what, things like that so you can be prepared.
It’s not something to take lightly and when you court, all of those things come out, you build a life-time lasting friendship, and it’s not all about, “Well, I like him because I’m attracted to him. He’s cute.” A lot of the physical stuff is out when you court because you’re focusing on the friendship first and you’re not “dating” yet.
You are building a foundation for God through the relationship, and for the rest of your lives. Get to know each other on a spiritual level, become best friends and work hard on that!
Marriage isn’t about you, or even the other person. It’s all about Christ and His desire and will for us. It is a reflection of HIS love for us; we are His bride. Marriage should reflect that to others, and ultimately point others towards God’s love.
“This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.” Ephesians 5:32-33
The last verse says it all! It speaks of Christ and the church, and how He is the bridegroom. When you keep this focus and understand this concept while dating, you begin to see your significant other as Christ sees them. This creates a bigger picture and helps you remain pure while dating because you view them through the lens of God and truly WANT to protect them and keep them holy. It also allows you to foster a love and deep respect for who they are in Christ, which is biblical.
It also gives you time to set boundaries and discuss them, ensuring that neither of you does anything that might lead the other to sin. For example, maybe when you guys date, he wants you to be sensual with him, but he’s not able to handle it, gets turned on too much, and it leads to him sinning. You just led him into sin.
You don’t have to be all sterile and platonic, but you need to make sure you’re not causing someone to sin, turning him on too much, for example, or putting yourself in a situation where you could easily have sex and sin. You don’t want to be in a circumstance where you can’t stop. It’s much better to be safe than sorry!
This naturally brings us to some practical boundaries you can put in place to remain pure while dating…
Set Strong Boundaries
Boundaries are essential, and they help get both of you on the same page (if you want to decide your boundaries, check out this post, What Does the Bible Say About Physical Intimacy Before Marriage here). When you both know what the limits are, it can help alleviate frustrations, temptations, and keep you both accountable with each other and most importantly, unto Christ.
Here are some examples of boundaries you can talk about with him to see if you want to set in place to enjoy the most of your dating relationship, prepare for marriage, and most importantly, keep each other pure and holy…
- No hanging out alone – instead hang out in groups at church, home, bowling, or other activities
- Don’t watch movies that lead to temptation – look up any movie on IMDB with the parent’s guide to see if it’s appropriate to watch or not
- Being mindful of what you read or listen to
- Other boundaries that you BOTH agree on and feel comfortable with
- Save kissing for marriage – kissing is the gateway to other stuff and if you don’t kiss, you are MUCH less likely to do other things.
Like I mentioned, when you iron these things out early on and pray about them (asking for God to help you both remain pure), you both will be able to help each other remain pure and grow in Christ together, without compromising or leading one another into temptation.
“This all sounds great, Sarah, but is it REALLY possible?”
Absolutely! I’m living proof!!
Is it easy?
No.
There are times your hormones are on FIRE, but it is very well possible to not sin in this way.
Important Questions To Ask Before You Get Married:
It’s super important to ask the “tough” (and not so tough) stuff before you get married. You want to make sure you are both on the same page when it comes to how you make choices together such as finances, communicating, the roles you each take on, parenting/do you want kids, etc. It will save you a lot of headaches and unnecessary arguments to hash all of this out BEFORE marriage.
If you don’t agree, that doesn’t just automatically mean that the relationship is doomed or that you shouldn’t marry the person, but marriage IS a give-and-take kind of relationship, full of compromises and learning to become one.
Here are some important questions to ask each other before marriage:
- Do you want kids? What are your views on adoption?
- Where do you see yourself in 1 year? 5 years? 20 years?
- Who will take care of budgeting/finances? Shared bank accounts or separate?
- Are you a spender or a saver?
- What are your views on biblical roles in the household?
- How do you typically handle conflict?
- Do you have debt? How will we handle it?
- How will we set boundaries when it comes to each other’s families? Holidays? Etc.?
If you’re not sure whether or not you should be with your boyfriend, here’s a good article on that.
These are just some examples, but the main point is to talk about these important things while dating to prepare for marriage and to get to know each other even more (which is a lifelong pursuit). You don’t have to have all of the EXACT answers ironed out, but to get a general idea on how you will tackle these topics will benefit you both as you learn to progress in your relationship.
I hope this helps you not only have a Christ-centered mindset when it comes to dating, but also give you the tools you both need to honor Christ with one another IN your dating relationship.
It IS possible to remain pure when dating, and something God calls us to do. It’s not optional. This is His command that we do not have sex outside of marriage.
