When I first met my ex-husband’s mom, she didn’t really seem all that fond of me. I talked to my ex-husband about it privately and he was like, “Yeah, yeah, she likes you. It’s just in your head.”
But over time, it became very clear that she didn’t like me.
I didn’t understand why. I’m a likable person. I’m nice. I’m not a jerk or mean or anything. I was doing well to her son. Why dislike me?
Over the years, and before my ex-husband abandoned our family, his mom and I grew very close. She actually was more of a mom to me than my own mom was and I really enjoyed our relationship.
When my ex-husband had his first major affair and left, she told me that she couldn’t talk to me anymore. She said that she couldn’t just ignore her son and leave him alone and that she felt she couldn’t talk to us both. She felt like she had to choose between her son and I and family was the choice she made.
It’s something that I fully understand. I get it. But I’ll tell you something, HER abandoning me, hurt me more than HIM abandoning me.
It wasn’t like I had just lost a husband, although I did, but that I lost his family too. One of his sisters was soooo close to me and his mom and I lost them and so the pain was something that still hurts to this day. It still brings me to tears, thinking of the relationships I lost, all because he went out and had an affair. I was at the losing end of many things, not just my marriage.
The sting of the loss of his family was severe. It’s hard losing people you care about; never being able to talk to them again.
If you’re experiencing pain like that, where you just really want his family to like you, you want to be closer to them, you respect and value them and want to be a part of their lives, this post is for you.
Maybe you crave a great relationship with your mother-in-law. Maybe you want to be friends with her and be on her good side as well and maybe right now, she doesn’t like you. I wanna help. I was able to go from someone my ex-mother-in-law didn’t like to someone she did like and I know I can help you through the same thing. 🙂
You can’t change her
The very first thing you have to realize is that you can’t change other people. If you feel any type of demand or entitlement that she HAS to or SHOULD like you, you have to get to a place of throwing that out the window.
You have to be okay with her NOT liking you. Because here’s the thing, if you don’t, if you dwell on it, you can easily let it consume you. It can take over your whole life.
Thoughts of her not liking you can tear into your relationship with your husband as well. Maybe you get frustrated or upset with him because you feel he is not standing up for you as he should, he’s not “pitching” you to her very well, making her like you.
You could end up bitter and angry at your HUSBAND if you dwell on this problem too much. Of course, we all want our spouse’s family to like us, but at the end of the day, his parents just might not. It’s not a reflection of YOU. It doesn’t mean you’re bad or something, it just means they don’t. This leads me to my second point…WHY they might not like you.
No one will ever be good enough
Some parents feel like NO ONE would ever be good enough for their darling little son. In their eyes, their son is amazing (and he very well could be). Sometimes, he’s not and they THINK he is an angel. Either way, some parents just feel like no one will ever be good enough for their kids.
It’s not YOU. It’s the position you hold. A wife, ANY wife, will just simply not be good enough for him.
Another reason she may not like you is because in her mind, you are replacing her. SHE was the #1 woman in his life and now you are. Now you take care of him, take care of your family, be there for him, and she misses that role, that relationship with her son of being first to him.
Again, that’s not a reflection of you, it’s a reflection of her motherhood and how she misses it. She hasn’t fully let go of her son yet.
While you can’t change someone else, you can HELP the situation…
She needs to see you make him better
Moms need to know that YOU are making their son a better person. If they already think he’s amazing, you have your work cut out for you, for sure.
The Bible calls wives to be their husband’s helpmeet. So for God, we really do need to be helping him and making him a better person. Again, we cannot change other people, but we can pray for them. We can ENCOURAGE them to be better.
We can love them and truly make them feel worth something.
We CAN control their moods while around us. If we are disagreeable all the time, it’s going to make him miserable. That’s not to mean plaster a fake smile on all the time, but it does mean you want to care about your husband’s mood. You want him to be happy.
It’s about putting their happiness first. Not becoming a doormat at the sake of his everlasting grin, don’t read this wrong, but we should want our husbands to be happy. This glorifies God because it is oftentimes self-sacrificing.
It helps your mother-in-law know that you care about him and HIS happiness, and that’s the love that SHE has for him too! She wants him to be happy. She loves him. If she sees he is happier with you than without you, even without a word, that speaks VOLUMES to her!
If you are a good influence to him, if you make him a better person, if you are good for him, do him good all his days as Proverbs says (Proverbs 31:12), she is much more likely to accept you as her son’s mate because she wants the best for him too. Not only does that help her see you’re not the “bad” guy in all this, but it helps bond you in your relationship with her because you are both working toward the same end goal.
Don’t exclude her, but set healthy boundaries
For a good portion of your husband’s life, SHE’S been the one protecting him, chasing down lost socks, doing laundry, cooking him meals.
When he gets married, all of a sudden she feels like she’s lost a portion of her (remember, he was inside her belly, living and growing all those years ago). The attachment is real.
You have to set healthy boundaries…i.e. she won’t do his laundry anymore, that’s now up to you and him to do, but at the same time, she doesn’t want to be excluded either.
She wants to still be in his life. She feels threatened. You are taking her son away. That instinctive protective mama-bear mode kicks in.
You have to show her that you’re not taking him away. That you’re not trying to dismember, destroy, or kill his relationship with her, that you’re there to support it all the while, the leave and cleave principle still applies here (Matthew 19:5).
He is a man, this is his life, and while she absolutely should be IN it, she’s not his whole world anymore. You are now and that’s healthy and right and most importantly, godly.
It’s a time for you to show her that you can handle the new “job” and take over the position of caring for him on a daily basis in a way a wife should, but that you’re not trying to REPLACE her.
It’s a really difficult, walking on eggshells type of thing and that’s understandable, but keep continuing to show her your pure intentions.
In time, if she sees that his needs are met and that he’s happy and healthy, she will soften her heart towards you. She basically just needs to know he’s in good hands!
Two become one
Instead of it just being him now, you two are joined. You are married. Two become one. One of the biggest things you need to do is to maintain that unity between you and your husband with your mother-in-law.
If she asks you something and you say one thing and then asks him the same question and gets two different answers, she’s going to think something’s fishy. She’s going to see that you guys don’t talk, don’t have a committed, in-depth, deep relationship and it’s a red flag to her in her mind.
If she has evil intent, she could use this lack of closeness between you and your husband to drive a wedge in between you guys further and destroy your marriage, and yes, some mothers do that. I’ve seen it.
If she wants you to come to a holiday meal and you say yes and your husband says no, it’s not unity between you and your husband and that makes you BOTH look bad. Before answering questions, as much as you possibly can, talk about things amongst yourself and determine the answers before you talk to extended family.
If you haven’t had a chance to talk yet, a good way of handling the question is to say, “Lemme talk to John (your husband) about it and see what he says.” This not only shows her you’re communicating with him, but it also shows her you’re a godly wife, submitting to his authority, and letting him lead your family.
That way, there are fewer hurts, fewer miscommunications, and less mistrust.
Invest in your relationship
I think this goes without saying but you really do have to invest in the relationships you care about.
If you want to have a great relationship with your mother-in-law, you’re going to have to open up to her. Is there anything she needs help with that you can do? Be generally helpful. But try to get to really know her.
Talk about HER, not just her son, you know what I mean? Show that you genuinely care about HER, even if you weren’t married to her son. What are HER dreams and goals? How does SHE feel about certain topics? Get to know her. Be her friend.
