This post is for the 26th, but it needs to be posted early, so I’m going to post it now.
You’re begging God to send you someone but it’s been years and you still don’t have a girlfriend. It’s so frustrating. It feels hopeless, and you just don’t know what you’re doing wrong.
You’re a godly person, very biblical, you love the Lord, you’re always at church doing what you’re supposed to – obeying Him, so you don’t understand why you don’t already have someone.
Why is it taking so long?
You should have someone by now, you tell yourself, and you’re jealous…
- Everyone else can have someone.
- I’ll never have a girl.
- I don’t deserve this.
- I do everything alone.
- It’s not fair everyone else has someone and I don’t.
- Why can’t I have someone too?
- I should just give up.
You’re upset.
You’re confused.
And you have no idea WHY God hasn’t brought you the right one into your life. Why you aren’t married, don’t have a girlfriend, still have nothing.
Especially around the holidays. It’s like a giant slap in the face, screaming at you, “You’re alone you know. You don’t have anyone to spend this holiday with”, and it makes you want to cry because you don’t know what else to do.
Today, I’m going to tell you why you’re still single.
Why You’re Still Single (For the Christian Man)
This isn’t about any one person in particular. It’s more of many different observations over the span of my entire life and all of it percolating in my head this whole time. With that said, it’s a great thing to do to use this as a checklist. Go over each and every one and pray through it, asking God if there is anything you can do to improve. He will show you. He will lead you and guide you into being the best man you can be, for HIM!
Also, please note: I want to emphasize that this post is for the men. Women may be able to glean a few things here or there, but for the most part, this is from the male’s perspective and what THEY do, which will be totally different than what women do. I can do a ladies one later, but this particular post is just focusing on the men.
With that stated, let’s get started. 😊
You’re a godly man, super biblical in all you do. You love the Lord, you’re on fire for Him. And while you ARE that, there are some major blindspots that you don’t know about, that are keeping you from the relationship you want.
Now first, I said, “the relationship you want“. As a godly man, you are very picky about who you will date. You have very high standards. THIS is a GOOD thing. By NOT settling, you throw in the trash, all the girls who are not right for you (so as not to waste your time or theirs) and you make room in your life for a truly good girl that IS right for you, the one that God has designed to be yours.
You having high standards is good. Don’t change that. Everything else on this list, wherever it applies you’ll want to change. 😊
1) You’ve given up
God already BROUGHT the girl He wants you to marry to you. He was trying to show you her, trying to get your attention, trying to help you find her. Because He’s heard your prayers. He loves you. He cares about you. He wants you to be happy.
But, in your depression and giving up attitude, you rejected His attempts.
You shut Him down because you believe He won’t bring you someone. But…He did (or He’s trying to currently).
God will never force us to do anything. He’s not going to force you to be with someone. But He wants you to have someone because woman was created for man (1 Corinthians 11:9; Genesis 2:18).
Problem is, you’re bitter toward Him, basically calling Him a liar, and He’s literally, right now, trying to show you the girl and YOU, in your own sin and rebellion, are not listening. That’s on you, my friend.
You need to make it right…with God.
You need to repent, tell Him you’re genuinely sorry, that you’ll listen to Him, obey Him, that you’ll do His will no matter what, even if that means never having someone.
I’ve been single for a really long time, but I refuse to settle. I refuse to go with the wrong choice just because I’m alone. I want GOD’S will for me. Because I know that HIS will is best. He sees all, knows all, knows what’s for MY best AND what’s for my future husband’s best.
You need to be at a place in your life where, you have accepted that if you never have anyone, it’s okay. That’s a tough pill to swallow and I get it, believe me, I understand! But it’s necessary, otherwise, guess what, your future wife is your idol long before you ever even met her!
You’re wanting to be with someone more than God. That’s a sin. Do you think God is going to bless you with someone, while you’re literally already putting her before Him?
You have to obey His will, no matter what the cost. This is about counting the cost of being a Christian. You need to want God’s will above you’re own…you’re being selfish. You want your will, not His perfect plan for you (Romans 8:28).
2) You’re selfish
Whether you see it or not, whether you recognize it or not, one of the main reasons God has not given you a girl right now is because you are selfish.
Marriage isn’t about YOU. It’s not about getting what YOU want.
Marriage is about finding someone that you love more than yourself. And if you can’t do that right now before you even have someone, when you have someone, it’s not going to be for HER best that she be with you (God wants her to have someone who will love her biblically), so He’s making you wait till you get it right (stop being selfish) OR you’ve already had many chances, you didn’t change, and you’re done. Now, you’ll have to settle to have someone. You won’t get the BEST that the Lord intended you to have, because of your own sin.
At our humanistic core, we are all selfish, with one exception…
Those who were gifted the spiritual gift of service, are never self-seeking. Speaking from personal experience, it literally is my personality to think of others before myself, to a fault (I think of them too much and oftentimes sacrifice my own NEEDS, which is not what God wants and I’m currently learning to/working on balancing this, but it’s tough! Whenever I think of myself, I feel guilty. It’s not wrong, it’s not sin because we must take care of our own needs too, but it is a constant struggle for me to think of myself).
So if you have the spiritual gift of service (which is chosen and given to you by God, so no pride can be found in having this gift), this won’t apply to you (although people with that gift are not free from the sin of selfishness as it can still creep up on you). But for the most part, your inborn nature is always about putting others first and thinking about them before yourself, but for everyone else, being selfish is a part of who you are as a human and you don’t realize it.
The world constantly screams in our face to think about ourselves and how we deserve this or that. “Buy this because…YOU DESERVE IT”, they say.
Know what we deserve? Hell. We’re fallen creatures who never chose God, He chose us. We didn’t seek Him, didn’t love Him, didn’t care about Him. We didn’t live up to His standards. And yet, in HIS grace, not ours, HE gives US the free gift of salvation. We chose to take that gift but only because it was offered to us. We, as sinful humans, deserve Hell (Romans 3:10-18).
God is loving and faithful and He saved us, but if we truly got what we really deserved, there’d be no humans who get to go to Heaven. God is good!!! 🙌🎁❤️
Because you think of yourself, you see a girl you like and think, “What will you do for me? What will you do for our marriage? How will you treat me like a king? How will you help me? What will you do to make me a better man?”
While a wife SHOULD be her husband’s helpmeet, your focus should be on HER!
Instead of saying, “What will you do to make me a better man?”, your question should be, “How can I be the man YOU need?” or “How can I be even MORE of a godly man?”
YOUR spiritual growth, your manliness, your betterment of yourself is not UP TO the girl. It’s your department, not hers. Yes, she should help. She should lift you up, edify you, encourage you, love you, and respect you, but you have to worry about your own sins. You are accountable to the Lord for your own character.
Girls see that you’re selfish (we can smell that a mile away), she knows, and wants nothing to do with it. So, she goes off to find someone else, someone who WILL put her first, someone who will think of HER and believe me, we know the difference.
When we find someone who DOES put us first, our natural tendency is automatically to determine if he’s doing it from genuine motives or fake. Is he just trying to get me and when he does, he’ll stop caring about me, stop chasing me, etc. and I’ll be miserable? Sometimes it can take a while to figure out if he’s genuine or not. Sometimes, you know right away, but godly girls don’t usually date a guy until they’re sure it’s genuine.
So not only must you care about her and not be selfish, but you must be genuine. Not faking your way through.
3) You’re “keeping your options open”
There is a lot of bad, worldly advice that says you should pursue many girls at once until you find one you begin to date. This is, the worst advice known to man.
Lemme give you an analogy.
Let’s say you’re fishing. When you go fishing, do you hold 6 fishing poles at the same time, 3 poles in each hand?
No, that would be stupid, right?
You hold ONE pole, one hook in the water, and you trust that if God wants you to have someone, He will let, allow, and cause you to “hook” the fish and going a step ahead, the RIGHT fish for you.
Having a bunch of the poles in the water is the most stupidest thing in the world and if the girl you like and are pursuing catches wind of it (if she sees you flirting with other girls or see you playing around), you’re sunk.
She will never give you the time of day. You’re done.
Why?
Just like YOU want to be the only one SHE likes, she wants to be the only one YOU like. It goes both ways.
If you’re liking a bunch of girls, you don’t like her enough to pursue only her, therefore, she’s not important enough to you and I will say boldly and confidently, if you’re pursuing more than one girl at a time or leaving your options open with several girls, you’re not going to be scoring an AMAZING girl. The kind of love that movies are made out of.
Why? Because that godly girl is smart and she knows you’re playing around and doesn’t want anything to do with it. She wants a Ruth and Boaz type of love. Was Boaz “keeping his options open”? Was he out there flirting with a bunch of girls? Was Ruth flirting with a bunch of guys?
From the text in Ruth 3:10, Boaz makes it clear that Ruth has had her chances of being with other men (so, most likely, men were hitting on her, pursuing her). She didn’t want them. She wanted HIM, a godly man.
You literally could have just missed out on the best thing that ever happened to you, because you’re playing around.
Never pursue or like more than one girl at a time. Ever. Even if you think you can get away with it, maybe one is at church, another is at another place far removed from church. Doesn’t matter. She will find out and you’re toast. You’ll never get her.
Is that easy to do?
No.
As a man wanting to find love, you’re looking for love and every girl is an option. But that’s wrong thinking. You need to only pursue one girl at a time and you need to let God lead you. Let Him bring you the one you’re supposed to be with. Let Him put the fish on your hook. If it’s His will, He WILL do it!
You need to stop being so hungry in your fleshly desires, and satisfy yourself rather, with Living Water.
4) You’re not obeying God
He’s leading you with a still, small voice. He convicts you to do this or that, but you say to yourself that it’s NOT Him. Or that you’re not SURE it’s Him, so you don’t take action. You don’t do what He wants you to do. You miss your chance, you disobeyed, and you lost the opportunity to meet and have the girl.
Not only that, but it gets worse. Each time you do this, you sear your conscience, thus getting further and further away from God. 😮
The next time He tells you something, eventually, you won’t even hear it at all!
How to fix this…
You need to do everything He asks you to do. If you’re not sure, don’t stop praying and finding out, until you ARE sure.
Follow those prompts the Lord is giving you. Do them, even if they take great boldness or seem silly.
I remember being in a fast food place and I was just BARELY a Christian. I mean, within a month (!!) and God convicted me to go up to some random strangers sitting at their table eating, and tell them something about God. I was supposed to walk up to them and tell them how much God loved them and just tell them He wanted them to know that.
Do you know how crazy that sounds?! 😬
I stood there a good 5 minutes, contemplating, “Lord, this is crazy. I’m shy as it is and I’m a new believer and you want me to do WHAT?! They’re going to think I’m crazy. This is nuts. This can’t POSSIBLY be what you want me to do.”
I told the person I was with what I felt God was telling me to do and they said, “No, don’t do it. It can’t be God. He wouldn’t want you to do something like that. It’s weird.”
All these thoughts were surrounding me. What should I do?
You know what I did?
Tears, I went over to them, stood in front of them, and told them what God said to say to them and the girl said, “This is a blessing because we’ve both been feeling like He just doesn’t care. We’re going through some real struggles and this is like God is telling us, ‘I care about you. I love you.’ Thank you so much!”
I walked away feeling confident, walking normal, got out to my car and died in my seat. It was SOOOO embarrassing! I can’t BELIEVE I just did that. That was SOOOO scary!! 😆
But I did it! I obeyed and I started learning to distinguish His voice better (John 10:27).
To be a better Christian, you’ll need to learn to distinguish His voice. He’s trying to teach you, show you, and you’re shutting Him and His will down. You’re searing your conscience and making it all the worse. You have to stop.
You can pray all you want to have a girl, but YOU need to do your part too and that may mean doing things way out of your comfort zone, but if I could do it, as a barely new Christian, surely you can! ❤️
5) You never make a move
You’ve had opportunities to get to know the girl, you just never took them. She knows. She’s smarter than you think. She watches you not doing anything. She’s not going to wait forever and so, she leaves, finding someone who IS bold enough to talk to her, make a move, get to know her, etc.
You lost your opportunity with her because you chickened out. You didn’t obey God and she needs someone strong to take care of her, not someone who runs for the hills. She needs a MAN.
SO…be a man! Go after her and obey Him if God has convicted you that she’s the one for you. Don’t let anything stop you, because I promise you, Satan will be right there trying to make you doubt, trying to make you miserable and not go after her. Why? Because he wants you to suffer. You have to choose who you’re going to listen to: God or Satan.
6) You’re still married
“Wait, what? I’m single, not married. I can’t find a girl, remember?!”
You’re still single because you’re MARRIED!!!
Let me put it clearly. If you are still married legally (whether still living with your wife or not), a godly woman is NOT going to let you pursue her. You’re married. You’re off limits. You belong to someone else.
You must wait until you are legally (and emotionally) divorced from your wife to pursue another woman.
And I would go a step further, a woman who is biblical, should not date any man who has been divorced for wrong reasons.
I’ve seen it a lot, a married couple has been married for over 10+ years, the husband isn’t happy and finds someone else. When the girl comes along that he wants to be with, he’s still married and cannot pursue her.
So his idea is that he’ll get a divorce, so that he CAN pursue her.
Back up! Did you pray about it?
Even if your wife is not a Christian and you come to learn she’s not a Christian after you marry, or you gave your life to God after you got married, but she never did, it is still SIN for you to divorce her. If you do, you will be committing adultery if you marry the girl you want (Matthew 19:9)!
There are only two reasons to divorce…
- The other person leaves you. Let’s face it, your unsaved wife has got it good. She’s married to a good man and she’s taking advantage of you and there’s nothing you can do about it and she knows it. She’s got you right where she wants you. She’s arrogant in her scam. She knows exactly what she’s doing, trust me, although, she’s playing innocent. Unless SHE abandons YOU, you can’t divorce. She knows it and she’s making your life miserable on purpose, taking advantage of you. She’s a jerk and she can get away with it too. 😔
- She has a physical affair. She’s not going to cheat on you. Why would she? You’re a great guy, you pay all her bills, she loves the money, the life you provide for her and if you stop giving her that life, you’re sinning because it’s your job as a Christian man to provide for your family. Yet, if you leave her, you’re sinning. She has you stuck and she knows it.
You need to pray your guts out every single day. For God to save you from this black widow spider web you got yourself into. God will make a way for something to happen, whatever that will be, but it may take time. You need to fully rely on Him and BEG HIM to save you. Keep praying until He does.
Let me be clear, God will not cause a divorce, but He may allow it to happen. Keep praying your guts out every single day, for years if you have to, until He saves you out of this. Maybe He will save your wife. She will give her life to Christ (I’ve NEVER seen this happen and I’ve seen this exact case several times, but it is possible).
Another thing to note is in a case where the wife is abusive to the husband. Obviously, you want to be safe.
The Bible does not forbid separation. In a case like this, maybe you’ve confronted your wife (whether it’s physical, sexual, emotional, or spiritual abuse) and she refuses to change and is still taking advantage of you, it gets a little dicey but it’s not sin to tell her you want to separate for a little while. That it’s not divorce, but you need to be separated. There are a few problems with this option that you need to be made aware of before you decide…
- Leaving should be a last resort if she refuses to change and you feel like you just can’t live with her anymore. You want to give her time to change, see if she does it, etc. FIRST before leaving.
- If you leave, she remains in the house. You will have to find a new place to live.
- You’re still married, so she has full rights to your joint bank account, credit cards, and all finances. You’ll want to put your money into a separate bank account and yes, pay child support even while you’re separated. Not doing so, would be leaving someone without an income, so you need to make sure you give her time to know what’s coming. Maybe you could tell her, I’ve taken out all the savings account and just left the money for normal bills in the bank account and will continue to pay all the bills for now, but look, if we can’t work this out, I’m going to leave. Here’s what will happen if I leave. Then give her time. Still covering all the regular bills, but you taking your savings account (if it’s your money you earned), while you guys figure out what to do. If she’s STILL unwilling to change, she’s pretty stubborn. If she does change, be prepared that it might be fake or not last long. Get into counseling, do whatever you feel is right before the Lord. The GOAL is to reunite and be married, for her repentance, restoration, and things to work out. But sometimes, you can’t work things out. Taking proper and biblical steps in the meantime, is important. But unless a divorce is based on one of the two reasons God gives us for divorce, divorcing her would be wrong. So don’t leave and immediately file divorce. Just wait things out and pray and see what happens.
- You need to understand that while you guys are separated, you would sin if you were physically intimate with anyone else. That means going cold turkey without sex. It can be done, I’ve done it, but it’s not the easiest thing in the world and you need to be prepared to know what you’re getting into.
- Always, always make things a matter of prayer and seeking God’s will, as with everything we do. What does God want you to do? Does He want you to leave for a short time while you guys figure things out? Does he want you to stay and figure things out? What steps does HE want you to take? In every situation, it will be different and you really have to rely heavily on God as to what to do.
- Never treat divorce or separation lightly. Consider absolutely EVERYTHING, all your options, really weigh out everything and continually seek to please God in all you do.
If God is with you and it is for YOUR best, He may cause the girl to leave. This would be a blessing to you because then you are free to do as you please. You should of course, try to reconcile but if she refuses to change and she has left, you are free to divorce her or not take her back should she come back. Be sure to change all locks on the house (doors, garage keypad, etc.) after she’s gone, if you decide the marriage is done.
Please note though, if she leaves, it’s most likely a manipulation stunt to try to hurt you. She wants you to see how it is without her and she’s playing the “leaving” card so you’ll be so sad she left and beg her to come back so that she can continue her wicked schemes and taking advantage of you. It’s a power play. Nothing will change if you take her back, but she’ll have all the power from then on, so be very careful with whatever you decide to do.
In the meantime, while all this is going on, you miss out on the godly girl you like. Maybe she will still be available when you are available and you have gotten things settled in your life, maybe she won’t be. But you not being with your current wife shouldn’t depend on you getting the next girl or not. You want to live a godly life, you want to do God’s will, whatever it is. But DO recognize, your wife is playing you a terrible, terrible scam. Either way, YOU still are accountable to God to be biblical. A godly woman is not going to want to be with you if you have not divorced by proper means. She will not want to commit adultery with you!
Another thing I’ve seen is where the married man separates from his wife (or gets his wife to separate from him) and then while he is separated, he pursues the girl he likes. He doesn’t divorce his wife, even though he could under God’s standards, he doesn’t because if it doesn’t work out with the girl he likes, he will go back with his wife.
In a case like that, neither girl should be with him. The wife shouldn’t take him back because he’s just making her to be his “better than nothing” offer. He doesn’t love her, doesn’t care about her, just doesn’t want to be alone and can’t have the girl he REALLY wants so he will take whatever. If the wife takes him back, he will just treat her badly. And the girl he’s pursuing shouldn’t be with him knowing that he’s playing both sides. A girl wants a guy fully committed to her and her alone.
This all might be upsetting, but this is the truth of God’s word. I encourage you to seek it out for yourself to understand it fully and completely.
Here’s a few more reasons you are still single:
- You’re still looking. You’re the apple of her eye. She loves you so very much, but she sees you staring at other girls. They piranha you and you don’t ignore them or send them away. While it may feel good to you to get the attention, it destroys her. She realizes you’re still on the hunt and if you loved her back, like she loves you, you wouldn’t still be on the hunt. She cries Ze ‘Akah tears and leaves the situation. It’s all she can do. She can’t handle the pain of watching. You miss out because you’re not ready to settle down with one girl, so you can’t have a girl. A girl is going to want to be your only and it’s clear she’s not. So, she leaves you with all the girls that will never make you happy. If you can’t give her your full heart from the get-go, even while friends, leave her alone. She’s been hurt by too many other guys and can’t handle one more, so she runs away.
- You’re not making time for a relationship. You’re too busy doing other things.
- You’re too independent, never allowing a girl to come along and share a life with you.
- You lack confidence in yourself and in God (to make a move, be with her, etc.)
- You don’t actually want a relationship. You think you do, but subconsciously you don’t, so you’re self-sabotaging yourself.
- You’re afraid of getting hurt, so you put up walls and guards and never let a girl in.
- You’re still hung up on someone else. You can’t fully be into one person and let your guard down, if you’re hurt over someone else. As a friend told me one time, early on in my divorce, “You can’t get to the next chapter, if you’re still re-reading the last chapter over and over”. Great advice. Took me some time (3 years) to really get over my divorce, but I got there and I am free.
- You’re looking in the wrong places. You need to be looking for a godly girl in places where you will find a truly biblical woman. An example of this would be going to a bar to find a girl, instead of church.
- You’re not resting enough. Relationships can be draining and exhausting. You’re giving and giving and it’s tough not knowing if they will turn out to be the one for you or not. You need to rest. Take time to take care of yourself (mentally, emotionally), so you can be at your best to start relationships, even friendships that can blossom into more. You want to have energy to put into the relationship when the right girl comes along!
- You’re super comfortable with things how they are. You’re not willing to get out of your comfort zone and actually have someone.
- You prefer solitude. You like things peaceful and quiet and you just want to be alone. You’re not willing to give up that alone time for someone. I would say here that you don’t have to give that up. You still have times where you are spending time with God and she is spending time with God too. You’ll still have that time alone and it can be a balance. Spending all your time with the girl and still carving out time to be alone (for God, for your biblical studies, to rest, etc.) If she loves you, she will work with you to make you happy and give you the time that you need. Just be honest with her how you’re feeling.
- You give up too early in the relationship. Feelings of inadequacy, feelings that you’ll never get her, and you give up and she moves on.
- You’re too shallow. Having a marriage means getting deep with someone. If you’re not willing, you’ll never get there…or you will and you’ll have a superficial marriage (I’ve seen those, they all end up divorced, just so you know!!) 🙁
- You play games. Girls don’t like games. When guys start playing games, we run away…fast!
- You want too much too soon. You’re not willing to give the girl time to get comfortable with you. For example, you try to kiss her too soon and freak her out. She’s not ready yet. You have to ease into things, let her get comfortable first. Each girl is different in the timing of things, but you’ll know when she’s ready!
- You’re not genuinely happy. You’re miserable. It doesn’t exactly attract girls to you when you’re so miserable all the time. Even if you plaster on a fake, “I’m happy” smile, we can tell it’s fake.
- You’re not patient. God is trying to work things out with you and the girl, but it takes time. He is getting you BOTH over hurdles and obstacles you already have. He is taking you down steps to make sure it’s what you want (do you want THIS girl?) He will never force us to be with someone and each person must be fully convinced they want the other person before God puts them together in dating. He is working on making you both more suitable for each other. He is growing you in the Lord and He’s working on all of this behind the scenes, so you don’t see it. You’ve not been patient, so you’ve given up and you stop pursuing her, thus, the relationship can never come to be. Why? God did HIS part, but you’ve given up and she sees that you stopped pursuing her, so she gives up on you. It’s the man’s job to lead. A godly girl is not going to chase you first. She won’t have any problem chasing you BACK, but you have to make the first moves, you lead!
- It’s just not God’s timing yet and you need to wait. This is most likely not the problem because woman was created for man (1 Corinthians 11:9), He WILL work toward bringing you someone, but in rare cases, it can be and you just have to place your life in His hands and wait for His perfect timing.
- You’re not ready. For one reason or another, you’re not ready to be with someone.
